Thursday, January 19, 2006

Ok, so I know there's been a lot of talk about Chuck Norris recently, what with the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator and all, but I take pride in the fact that I'm an original, long-standing fan, with non-ironic praise of his movies and beard. Therefore, here are my top 5 Chuck Norris movie moments:


5. The Octagon: Chuck plays an enforcer for an asian casino, in Hong Kong I believe, but luckily, he's also a honky ninja (duh). It is notable that this is the only movie where Chuck plays a ninja. My favorite movie moment comes when he goes to collect some money owed to his boss and he runs afoul of a burly bodyguard type who takes Chuck's sweet cowboy hat off his head and stomps on it. There's an awesome voice-over of his thoughts where he thinks, "Not my good hat! Why do they always mess with my hat?" And then, in an amazing bit of camera work, there's a close-up shot of his hand clenching into a fist, which proceeds to deal out several awesome blows to various stomachs and noses.


4. Forced Vengeance: This is my favorite Charles Norris movie. At the end, he has to battle the bodyguard of the head bad guy/asian gang leader, who just happens to be one of the top 5 most ruling bodyguards of all time. He's fugly and has a Sonny Bono wig on, as well as being basically as tall as Yao Ming. I could be making that part up, but that's how he looks in my memory. Anyway, earlier in the movie, this guy rapes Chuck's girlfriend, which is what forces his vengeance, I guess. So they square off, and they're about to get into it when Sonny Bono says, "Your girl was very good", as a taunt. Except with his accent it comes out as "Yo guuh boss berry guuh." And then he gets punched in the stomach (duh).


3. Delta Force: This scene may have actually happened in Delta Force II, or maybe it happened in Invasion USA, or maybe it happened to me, but anyway. The end scene is basically total bearded domination of all aspects of ass-kicking. First off, let me just mention that Chuck is riding a dirt bike with twin missile launchers on it. He does various fabulous things like chasing a plane down a runway while standing up on the seat of the motorcycle and crashes through the wall of a house unharmed. I've never thought that driving a motorcycle into the side of a house expecting to crash through it was a smart move but now I know that it's totally possible. And then, of course, he's chilling on the motorcycle on this cliff top looking super sweet when he spots the bad guys (probably various bodyguards) driving below in some kind of weak jeep so he fires a heat-seeking missile off and blows them up.


1. Lone Wolf Mcquaid: That's possibly misspelled, but who cares, who died and made you god? In this scene, Chuck gets knocked out, only because he was sucker-punched, and buried alive by a backhoe. Luckily though, he gets buried alive in his totally bitchin and tricked out 1983 Ford Bronco. He comes to and is pretty much unfazed by the fact that he's now underground. Maybe it's because he's wearing a light-blue denim shirt with the sleeves cut off. Fortunately, there happens to be a six-pack of beer on the seat next him and he opens one and chugs it (in a move only Chuck could pull off, he doesn't remove the individual beer from the plastic thing holding the beers together). Then, he starts the engine and basically jumps out of the ground in slow motion. Don't even worry about the physics of it, I did the math and it all checks out. What follows is lots of bodyguards and druglords getting machine-gunned and punched in the stomach.


You may have noticed that I skipped number 2 but I have a party to go to.

51 comments:

l e a h said...

thats magical... <3

ChrizJoanliz said...

jackie chan owns chuck norris but hes still kick ass.... p.s. is blaqk audio coming out o and make refused open for you like totally bring that back to life.... i signed up to post second on ur wall :)

veiled_static said...

I've never seen a Chuck Norris film, but now you've made it seem imperative! I can already taste the mocking ready to be dealt out. Deffinately something to watch next time there's a movie night at my house.

Caroline

shanagdi said...

I had no idea of Chuck Norris' greatness. The only movie I've seen him in is Sidekicks. Well, I'm going to have to change that.

You've enlightened me & made me laugh. Sweet.
Thanks.

- paperbag said...

I'll read it later, now i have to watch tv :P

Ohhh, party boy...
I'm sick and, so, I cannot go out or go to parties...
Hope you have fun :]

<3

Cone Hat said...

Okay, you are now the the coolest guy in the world (what with liking Cuck Norris and the rad guitar skillzzz).
Don't let it go to your head or anything or a duel of pistol whippage may have to go down up in heeya ("here", you know?)
You know that my-bookshelf-just-collapsed induced feeling? Well, I have that.
That, along with the classic my-lamp-just-exploded-due-to-my-bookself-collapsing-incident feeling.
If you ever think you have it hard, just think of the girl with books and random shards of glass on her floor, in the dark. I wonder what the people in the downstairs apt. think. This could get fugly, as the people downstairs are quite fucking ugly.
You're funny.
Lurve (or is it? Seeing as I don't know you),
Gen.

N. Huda /dumb blonde said...

well, after you boogied, skip back here to fill in number 2.

Pat said...

Seriously, what the hell is with Chuck Norris?
Everyone at my school's like "Oh shiz, Chuck Norris lololol"

I hope this isn't some weird phad now.

<3 Pat

Michelle said...

very nice.

have fun ♥

you wrote a fuckin lot. so much that i skipped parts don'tbemad.

IAMSPARTACUS [DF] said...

awsome.

Frisk said...

Aw, that's awesome Jade! Thanks for sharing those :)

My mom used to watch Walker, Texas Ranger, when I was younger and that's when I decided Chuck Norris is badass.

What movie was he in where his head was in a bag with a rat? I vaugly remember something to that effect. I could be wrong, I was like, 6.

Hope you had fun at your party <3

Bowlingcade? said...

Party...woopee.
Yes, there is quite a ruckus going on with Chuck Norris lately....especially on thee DF Message boards.
He will always make Lingo complete.
And umm...yeah. YOu know what be kind of cool of you to do...?
In your next blog post, yoou should like soooo totally...uummm...state you favourite commercial? I dunno,first thing that popped to my head.
Oi.
So yeah,it would be really neat(I don't know why,but I don't like that word...)if you actually stated that.
I'd have to say all of mine would be those ones where it's like: Call this number to get this total peice of crap that no one buys for 10087$!!!! Boi!"
Yup..those kinds are pretty cool.
-Ashley.

Bandito said...

Righteous, my favourite Chuck Norris moment would have to be the total gym commercial. Nobody at my school is all, "Chuck Norris lololol", but my friend and I are quite impressed with his roundhouse-kicking abilities. It inspired me to kick a sandwich. Have fun having interesting things to do.

Electric M. Bison Rock President said...

I've noticed an offencive explosion of Chuck Norris tales of triumph and victory these past months. Its Gotta be Conan O' Brien & That Walker Texas Ranger Lever of his, its given off many laughs. But this 'fad' has gotten out of control, like wildfire, but with a beard; beardfire one could call it. Everywhere I go its Chuck Norris will roundhouse this and kick ass that, I was debating blogging this the other night but decided against it.

You get off easy my good man, for numerous reasons; an original Chuck boaster if you will? Enjoy the party holmes.

PS you guys should play Conan one day, who wouldnt enjoy that

IAMSPARTACUS [DF] said...

Holy hell man, that is the funniest stuff ever. Did you happen to catch the new Charlie Norris film on tv recently "Trial by Fire". It was hilarious, they had knock-off Matrix bullet time which looked terrible due to the fact that the bullets had all those slow motion rings behind them (looked like a slinky) but the people werent moving in slow motion with the bullets. They were increadibly slow, slinky bullets all the while, Chuck and his inevatible bodyguard persurers just flipped about the screen. At one point I believe Chuck kicked a guy about 5 feet into the air into a tree, killing him.

Anyways, keep the awesomeness up aswell as the rockin.

Chelsea said...

I was all like "Hey man, where's 2?" Then you explained all that.

You make the movies sound cool.
What about Jet Li?
Or, Jackie Chan?
Or, Bruce Lee?
Or, Brandon Lee?
They're cool too, y'know.

Have fun at your party of happiness.
Because I live in suckville. God I hate suckville....IT SUCKS SO BAD!

Chelsea said...

That was an unnecissary rant about suckville. Sorry for funking up your blog...

Sonorous said...

There's a font colour code for Chuck. It's redish.

[font color=chucknorris]...[/font]

Or something like that. But, of course with <'s.

Pretty Pistol said...

holy crap...

so entertaining...

totally made my night (duh)

love love love

janicethemenace said...

Chuckie totally makes me smile ~ I own a vintage autograph from framing pics of his boys...nice guy. Great flick tales...you are still doing #2...right?
Love, Menace

Darlene Conner said...

i'll get "chuck norris doesn't sleep. he waits" tattooed on the sides of my fingers if you do.



<3333333333

Sebastian, Saint said...

I am not a true Chuck Norris appreciator, but I think it's pretty safe to say that you need to write his biography.

Or maybe shadow write his autobiography.

It would be just as good as living it.

Right?

nineteen84 said...

My parents rented a Chuck Norris movie within the past year.... I watched it..it was about some cult...there was probably some ass kicking. I don't remember.

More importantly, one of my childhood memories is of being with my parents at their friend's place. I think it was New Year's possibly. We watched Chuck Norris movies alllllll night. A marathon really. All I really remember from hours upon hours of Chuck was him hanging from a helicopter, but I'm not entirely sure it happened..he was on the roof of a building anyway, beating bad guys.

Bailey said...

My grandmother always liked Walker Texas Ranger...she made me watch it with her once...I found it quite boring.

Jade, I hate Chuck Norris. SUCK ON THEM APPLES!

Bailey said...

Ok, I don't hate him, I just don't care.

Bailey said...

Not that I don't care about you or anything.

Bailey said...

...There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright! Fernando!

Bailey said...

Oh yeah, by the way, McQuade.




Haha, I'm being a smartass tonight.

Skylar said...

Is Chuck Norris' movies suppose to be a comedy? Cause you made it sound like it. haha... just kidding. I'm not really a fan of his movies. Sorry.

blackviolet said...

Haha, you and your crazy Chuck Norris adoration.

I can picture you and Smith as kids, running around giving roundhouse kicks to eachother, pretending to be Chuck Norris.

her face is so illogical said...

Quote you : Maybe it's because he's wearing a light-blue denim shirt with the sleeves cut off.


Yeah, i'm guessing that was the reason. I mean, everyone knows that cut off denim shirts hold ultimate magical powers!

Well, thanks for exposing me to the (actual, non ironic) world of Norris comma Chuck, I now have a completely changed viewpoint. May even rent one of his movies sometime. Though, I will probably still laugh at him behind his manly manly back, on pain of a roundhouse kick to the face, naturally.

ThisCelluloidDreamer said...

Top Five Words.............

xx

wrmfzykty said...

I love Chuck Norris!!! Great minds think alike :-) Hope you had fun last night.

Desert Queen said...

Hmm, I might rent some Chuck Norris movies now. Heh, I loved this top 5, made me smile. You gonna do more?

Hope you had fun at that party, Jade. Keep rockin'.

jen said...

Haha I wonder ho long that took you to type. It was very entertaining :)

Mel said...

That was cool... don't forget to post # 2 later : )

In Shadows Growing Wings said...

DUDE!!

WHATS WITH THE TOP FIVE CHICKS!!!:((

rock on!

\m/

art de noyade said...

Jade....

I can not even explain what I feel.

Fragile said...

how could you NOT mention An Eye For An Eye? pshh.

A Girl with Broken Dreams said...

whee! sounds pretty.

Glass said...

It entertained me for about five minutes...and now I'm bored again.

But it was pretty awesome, although I don't really like Chuck Norris...

Do more top 5's, please?

<3

Macbeth said...

I bet #2 is Missing in Action, or one of the Missing in Action titles! Better be! Chuck Norris does not roundhouse kick everything, those 'facts' grow annoying, check his official site for his own say on them http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx, they even came up on the Tony Danza show.

Alice said...

A party you say?
That's a very poor excuse for not finishing your blog!

l e a h said...

hah there was a sketch about Chuck on SNL tonight, a musical sketch

IAMSPARTACUS [DF] said...

Wow, I just caught the Young Chuck Norris music video on SNL a minute ago. Should be on the internet in about 20 minutes. I love nerds. Anyways it was amazing, it discussed his origin, he punched out a chick and shredded the hell outta guitar. Just thought it was somehting you'd like to check out. <3

Bowlingcade? said...

Well, after reading the post saying you do read the comments, I guess I can post a semi decent one...not talking about nonsence...not that that isn't good.

Okay...
You know...I'm really not old, I'm only 13...and started listening to AFI around the age of 9 or 8 or around there. So yeah, you guys have influenced me so much, not in like an artistic way, I do't draw or write, apart from stories, so I guess you guys did influence me there, I write most of them because I get inspired from your songs. (I put alot of commas in there.
Well yeah, I'm rambling again.
Well, in a way you guys have influenced my personality. If I had never of turned the channel that Totalimmortal was on, I would of probably of been afraid to show my true self. Like, it's hard to explain, this sound really stupid coming from one my age, who OBVIOUSLY wouldn't know anything about this stuff(So many people have told me this)but your guys's music has gave me the "courage" to like, be who I want, and not care about what others think.
You guys are great,no,amazing.
I doubt I'll ever find a band that can compare to you guys...
Also...you guys should so totally come to Warped Tour.
I just had to add that in. I was being to seriouse,I couldn't stand it. But yeah, everything in thee above, is true.
Now then,this ahs been long...So I'm out.
Cheerio.
-Ashley.

shanagdi said...

Okay, so I rented a bunch of Chuck Norris movies last night & watched Lone Wolf McQuade. I have to concur that that scene was kickass. I found myself wanting to drive that Chevy Bronco & I ended up yelling at the screen throughout the movie. Chuck Norris is the man.

Thanks for sharing.

falconer said...

Yeah, only my mom is Chuck Norris' biggest fan. I've seen all those films quite against my will.

Now, Clint Eastwood, that's another story...

blahh said...

harry was thinking about making a chuck norris monster in art.

he'll probably do that with teh clay project heh.

xFreedomBulletx said...

the Chuck Norris Experiment is putting out a CD this tuesday (the 7th) called the Chuck Norris Experiment on Devil Dolls records

Anonymous said...

http://www.chucknorrisatemybaby.com/