Ok, so I know there's been a lot of talk about Chuck Norris recently, what with the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator and all, but I take pride in the fact that I'm an original, long-standing fan, with non-ironic praise of his movies and beard. Therefore, here are my top 5 Chuck Norris movie moments:
5. The Octagon: Chuck plays an enforcer for an asian casino, in Hong Kong I believe, but luckily, he's also a honky ninja (duh). It is notable that this is the only movie where Chuck plays a ninja. My favorite movie moment comes when he goes to collect some money owed to his boss and he runs afoul of a burly bodyguard type who takes Chuck's sweet cowboy hat off his head and stomps on it. There's an awesome voice-over of his thoughts where he thinks, "Not my good hat! Why do they always mess with my hat?" And then, in an amazing bit of camera work, there's a close-up shot of his hand clenching into a fist, which proceeds to deal out several awesome blows to various stomachs and noses.
4. Forced Vengeance: This is my favorite Charles Norris movie. At the end, he has to battle the bodyguard of the head bad guy/asian gang leader, who just happens to be one of the top 5 most ruling bodyguards of all time. He's fugly and has a Sonny Bono wig on, as well as being basically as tall as Yao Ming. I could be making that part up, but that's how he looks in my memory. Anyway, earlier in the movie, this guy rapes Chuck's girlfriend, which is what forces his vengeance, I guess. So they square off, and they're about to get into it when Sonny Bono says, "Your girl was very good", as a taunt. Except with his accent it comes out as "Yo guuh boss berry guuh." And then he gets punched in the stomach (duh).
3. Delta Force: This scene may have actually happened in Delta Force II, or maybe it happened in Invasion USA, or maybe it happened to me, but anyway. The end scene is basically total bearded domination of all aspects of ass-kicking. First off, let me just mention that Chuck is riding a dirt bike with twin missile launchers on it. He does various fabulous things like chasing a plane down a runway while standing up on the seat of the motorcycle and crashes through the wall of a house unharmed. I've never thought that driving a motorcycle into the side of a house expecting to crash through it was a smart move but now I know that it's totally possible. And then, of course, he's chilling on the motorcycle on this cliff top looking super sweet when he spots the bad guys (probably various bodyguards) driving below in some kind of weak jeep so he fires a heat-seeking missile off and blows them up.
1. Lone Wolf Mcquaid: That's possibly misspelled, but who cares, who died and made you god? In this scene, Chuck gets knocked out, only because he was sucker-punched, and buried alive by a backhoe. Luckily though, he gets buried alive in his totally bitchin and tricked out 1983 Ford Bronco. He comes to and is pretty much unfazed by the fact that he's now underground. Maybe it's because he's wearing a light-blue denim shirt with the sleeves cut off. Fortunately, there happens to be a six-pack of beer on the seat next him and he opens one and chugs it (in a move only Chuck could pull off, he doesn't remove the individual beer from the plastic thing holding the beers together). Then, he starts the engine and basically jumps out of the ground in slow motion. Don't even worry about the physics of it, I did the math and it all checks out. What follows is lots of bodyguards and druglords getting machine-gunned and punched in the stomach.
You may have noticed that I skipped number 2 but I have a party to go to.